Mission: BABY Update 1

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What’s going on the Baby D making department? Nothing much quite honestly.

Thus far I have done 2 cycles using only Clomid to induce ovulation. The first month I was on 100mg and the second month they upped me to 150mg. Each month I received false positives on the Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK) tests I took. But, the second month of Clomid I had an ultrasound that showed the largest follicle measured only 9mm. (Basically squat happened since most follicles are around 5-7mm at all times before ovulation. ) Because nothing really happened and I didn’t actually ovulate the cycle was canceled.

The next month, which was this month, my doctor’s put me on a “mixed” medication cycle. I not only took 100mg of Clomid for 5 days, I also injected 1 vial of Menopur once a day for 3 days. After another ultrasound the doctor measured my largest follicle at 7.5mm. Another bunk month. We canceled this cycle and now I’m just waiting until after Christmas to start taking Provera to bring on the next cycle.

I’ve felt fairly defeated and frustrated because I knew from the beginning that this was going to be difficult but my doctor’s wanted to “start things slow” instead of being more aggressive with medications. So far we’ve wasted a couple thousands of dollars just trying things out. Doctor’s think you’re made of money, because they are, and that you can waste time and energy each month because to them it’s just another work day. I’ve already seen three different doctors and finally the last one I met with understood me and my frustration.

He owned up to the mistake of taking things slowly and wasting an entire month on Clomid when they should have moved to a mixed cycle to begin with. It was relieving to finally feel like I was being listened to and having someone on my side. Next cycle will be much more aggressive but also much more expensive. I don’t like thinking that trying to have a baby is a strenuous financial burden, but it’s not just about the money. It’s expensive emotionally.

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I spend hours, worrying, praying, hoping, being optimistic and focusing all of my energy on growing an egg that just might make it to an insemination. It’s stressful and then each month I get told either nothing happened or not enough happened. “We can just try again.” “Next month it might take.” “It’s your decision.” When really it isn’t. It’s exhausting and when people tell me, “It’s in God’s hands,” or it’s in “God’s time.” I get beyond outraged.

It’s not in HIS hands because it’s in my Doctor’s and my body’s ability and it’s in MY pocketbook. Until you have to deal with the stress and heartache of going through such a strenuous ordeal don’t tell me that it’s out of my control. People use God as excuse for their failures and not owning up to their mistakes. I’d rather thank Him for a miracle than be upset with Him for making me “wait for His timing.”

Anyways, I digress and that got a little heated. Sorry for that. Next cycle we might actually see more progress and I’m excited for that. We just have to get past The Holidays.

Hopefully 2014 will be our year for Baby D!

Cheers,
EA

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Oh God, I’m One of Those

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You know those people that will do anything for a buck. Well almost anything, short of selling their grandmother or selling crack  or walking the street. Those people that come up with the next big thing and it’ll just take them a few more tries until they get it just right. I’m one of them. Or was one of them until came to my senses.

I’m tired of “chasing the dream” when I can’t even remember what the dream really is anymore. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to in life, thus far at least.  I’m chugging right along, but I’m not happy. I’m not fulfilled. I have a decent paying job that pays the bills. I have decades ahead of me that can be wasted at this job but I don’t want to continue on this melancholy existence of working for “The Man.” But, I don’t want to be one “those people” that others refer to as a fast talking, money chasing, failing entrepreneurs. At least I won’t sell my grandmother or sell crack and I’d never walk the streets.

I know at heart I’ll never really be content sitting behind a desk in a room filled with cubicles being washed over with fluorescent lights humming throughout the silent screams each person makes while they type and click for 8 hours a day five days a week.  I tally the days on a 3 by 5 card at my desk, slowly counting until I’ve had enough and grow enough courage to just call it quits and finally do what I want in life.

I don’t want to be one of those people either. One of those people that give up on life and succumbs to the mundane existence of attempting to live the “American Dream.” I fight day in and day out to maintain some kind of sanity while I commute even though I have an epic battle within myself. A part of me says, “Just don’t do it. Quit. Stay home and start writing instead. You can make a living blogging and you can finish that book you started years ago. What about the mobile boutique you wanted? You can live off of saltine crackers and everyone will understand if the wedding isn’t as lavish as they thought it would be.”

Then there’s the rational side that screams,” GO TO WORK. You have to make a living and no you can never make it as a writer. There are already so many of them. No one reads your stupid blog anyway and you have to work. All of your previous ‘businesses’ have failed. SO GO TO WORK.” That side always wins and I find myself pulling up to my job, getting out of my car, and sitting in my cubicle pretending to be fulfilled.

Either way, I am one of those and worst of all I’m both. One day I’ll be neither, eventually. /rant

Until then I’ll keep on keeping on and promise to write more on the blog.

Cheers,
EA