I need to write about something that has been plaguing me for awhile now. Something close to home and personal. If you read my blog as a means of escapism please advert your attention to my post about cupcakes as everyone seems to like that post, otherwise hang tight and join me in this therapeutic writing session.
I try not to let what others think of me affect me in any means. However, like most other human beings, deep down inside I allow other’s judgements define who I am as a person. For the past few years I haven’t felt like I have been myself 100% of the time because something happened and it changed me. For the life of me I cannot pin point what that event was but for some reason it really changed my being. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older and transforming into someone I never wanted to become.
I know a large part of it had to do with graduating college and going to a job that took advantage of my skills and knowledge. During that time with this company I dedicated a large chunk of my time and energy working for them. I exhausted myself working 6 days going well over my 40 hours a week. Sometimes, if not most of the time, I worked 10-20 hours of overtime in a week.
I stopped doing what I absolutely love, crafting and writing. I also stopped crafting because others in the local craft community had black listed me over a silly confrontation at a craft show. Not to mention everyone thought and even told me outright I was too wishy-washy and that I wasn’t original enough. All of this really weighed down my psyche.
I dedicated my self to a job that wanted everything I could give them yet wouldn’t give me more. I felt like I couldn’t go back to crafting because of what other crafters in the area thought of me and I was too tired to write. It was like this bitter abusive cycle I was going through.
Once I got out of that company earlier this year I moved on to what I thought would be an amazing transition. Instead I’m at a job where I can create however I’m under such restrictions from my upper management it’s like using my mouse and keyboard while my bosses have their hands on my hands guiding the mouse and pressing keys on the keyboard. My bosses are too controlling, they are suffocating and constantly changing their minds over the most trivial things.
I’ve thought about it so many time and in so many ways. I don’t want to work for anyone. I want to work for myself. I’ve tried starting so many businesses it’s ridiculous, I know. For everyone that knows me in real life I’m sure I come off as that person that always wants to make a quick buck but I’m not like that honestly. I was trying to find myself and what I’m good at doing. I’m so afraid of failure that most times I would just give up and opt out of whatever I was doing because I’m terrified of failing. There are times that I would come up with an idea and not even go forward with even trying because I was too afraid what others would think of me.
I wanted to open a sandwich shop/bakery and just live a simple life making food for others to enjoy. Instead I did a lot of research and figured that it’s already been done so why even try. I am so worried about copying others that I stopped designing my greeting cards that I loved making. I didn’t want anyone else in the craft community to think I stole their idea so I just stopped making cards altogether. I’m so worried about everyone else that I stopped being me. When I was sculpting clay I loved getting all the intricate details perfect. People were calling me a spazz and a crackhead. I got a little artistic and made a perfect vagina that had teeth in it as an omega to a movie called, “Teeth.” People called me a freak and thought I was too weird. So I stopped sculpting.
I started writing a short story about teenage lesbian love (nothing dirty). I let a few people read the beginning and they shrugged. So, I stopped writing it. I hate that I care so much about others think of me or the things I create that I can’t be the real me. I loved my old blog, Charming Craftista because it combined two of my most favorite past times, writing and crafting. I felt like what I was writing about and making tutorials for was already being done and my posts were probably getting lost in the jumble of regurgitated posts.
I’m my own worst critic and to know that others think I’m just a copy-cat or not good enough stops be from even trying. I am slowly trying to get over it because I’m tired of being in such a funk. I get so tired of hating on myself and beating myself up. I want to be a web designer and even though I am not trained or know everything there is to know about graphic design and coding I’m going to do it. I’m going to write posts on this blog about things that others have probably already written. I’m going to craft my ass off and document it for all to see because I want to do it. I want to be me again.
If I fail, then maybe I’ll stop worrying about it and just face it when it happens. I’m not going to be afraid anymore. I’m just going to finally be me and be happy about it.
Here’s to tomorrow.