You know those people that will do anything for a buck. Well almost anything, short of selling their grandmother or selling crack or walking the street. Those people that come up with the next big thing and it’ll just take them a few more tries until they get it just right. I’m one of them. Or was one of them until came to my senses.
I’m tired of “chasing the dream” when I can’t even remember what the dream really is anymore. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to in life, thus far at least. I’m chugging right along, but I’m not happy. I’m not fulfilled. I have a decent paying job that pays the bills. I have decades ahead of me that can be wasted at this job but I don’t want to continue on this melancholy existence of working for “The Man.” But, I don’t want to be one “those people” that others refer to as a fast talking, money chasing, failing entrepreneurs. At least I won’t sell my grandmother or sell crack and I’d never walk the streets.
I know at heart I’ll never really be content sitting behind a desk in a room filled with cubicles being washed over with fluorescent lights humming throughout the silent screams each person makes while they type and click for 8 hours a day five days a week. I tally the days on a 3 by 5 card at my desk, slowly counting until I’ve had enough and grow enough courage to just call it quits and finally do what I want in life.
I don’t want to be one of those people either. One of those people that give up on life and succumbs to the mundane existence of attempting to live the “American Dream.” I fight day in and day out to maintain some kind of sanity while I commute even though I have an epic battle within myself. A part of me says, “Just don’t do it. Quit. Stay home and start writing instead. You can make a living blogging and you can finish that book you started years ago. What about the mobile boutique you wanted? You can live off of saltine crackers and everyone will understand if the wedding isn’t as lavish as they thought it would be.”
Then there’s the rational side that screams,” GO TO WORK. You have to make a living and no you can never make it as a writer. There are already so many of them. No one reads your stupid blog anyway and you have to work. All of your previous ‘businesses’ have failed. SO GO TO WORK.” That side always wins and I find myself pulling up to my job, getting out of my car, and sitting in my cubicle pretending to be fulfilled.
Either way, I am one of those and worst of all I’m both. One day I’ll be neither, eventually. /rant
Until then I’ll keep on keeping on and promise to write more on the blog.