2014 – The Year of Change

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Resolutions

It’s finally 2014. A new year and a new chance to do things right this time. Although it seems silly to wait until January 1st to pursue new hobbies, diets, exercising routines, etc. there is just something about the beginning of a new year that makes the future seem hopefully and anything attainable.

2013 as a whole was full of ups and downs. Very high highs and drastically low lows. There were times that I just wished time could stand still and yet pray for days to fly by. I married my best friend and we started the process to begin our family. I left one job to try something different. I managed to lose a little bit of weight only to gain some of it back during The Holidays, but I am ok with that.

Below is a list of my New Year’s Resolutions, although it is more a list of promises I’d like to keep for myself. Resolutions2

I’ve wanted to try my hand at yoga for sometime now because I find it fascinating. But, after watching a yoga video on Youtube a year or so ago and trying to bend and flex my pudgy body into even the simplest poses I gave up. Embarrassed in my own home, and I chalked it up to being a thin person’s exercise that I would try at a much later date when I wouldn’t get winded trying to touch my toes. Recently I found a few Instagram accounts of plus sized yogis bending and stretching and it gave me hope that even though I may be bigger than some, I could do yoga just the same. I’m excited to see where this new exercise takes me.

Another positive healthy promise I have for myself is to make better eating choices. Sometimes, ok most of the time, I make poor eating choices out of laziness or convenience. I’ve decided I want to try eating a Paleo diet and have done some research on what that will entail. I’m interested in the Paleo diet because it allows me to eat enough food without feeling restricted as long as the food isn’t processed or heavy on carbs. I think it’s something I can do and hopefully it will help me lose a few pounds to aid in the baby making process.

My third resolution to take better care of myself overall is a culmination of things. I tend to put others wants in front of my own, and I weigh people’s opinions of me heavily and I’m over it. At the end of the day I have to be the one living my life not letting others dictate it for me. Also, I’m lazy and don’t take the time to get pedicures or massages. I never meditate or reflect on a positive self image. I am excruciatingly hard on myself and I need to start practicing more self love and acceptance. I’m my worst critic and I need to start easing up so I can grow instead of harbor hurt feelings or notions of failure. I try to be humble but sometimes I should toot my own horn because not many people do it for me.

Lastly, I want to focus more on this blog, my writing and photography. I enjoy writing more than anything and I take pride in capturing moments on camera. I haven’t dedicated nearly enough time out of fear it won’t be good enough for readers or viewers. I hold myself back for reasons I’m still learning but I want to continue growing my writing abilities and photography skills.

Overall, this next year will be full of self growth and acceptance I’m finally ready for it. I’ve been putting it off for a long time because I’ve always thought that once I’m thin things will get much better and I can be a happier healthier me. But, why wait for something that may never come? I’m fully worth time and effort to be put back into myself that I put out to others.

I finally ready to say goodbye to 2013. Hello 2014.

 

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Cheers,
EA

Mission: BABY Update 1

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What’s going on the Baby D making department? Nothing much quite honestly.

Thus far I have done 2 cycles using only Clomid to induce ovulation. The first month I was on 100mg and the second month they upped me to 150mg. Each month I received false positives on the Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK) tests I took. But, the second month of Clomid I had an ultrasound that showed the largest follicle measured only 9mm. (Basically squat happened since most follicles are around 5-7mm at all times before ovulation. ) Because nothing really happened and I didn’t actually ovulate the cycle was canceled.

The next month, which was this month, my doctor’s put me on a “mixed” medication cycle. I not only took 100mg of Clomid for 5 days, I also injected 1 vial of Menopur once a day for 3 days. After another ultrasound the doctor measured my largest follicle at 7.5mm. Another bunk month. We canceled this cycle and now I’m just waiting until after Christmas to start taking Provera to bring on the next cycle.

I’ve felt fairly defeated and frustrated because I knew from the beginning that this was going to be difficult but my doctor’s wanted to “start things slow” instead of being more aggressive with medications. So far we’ve wasted a couple thousands of dollars just trying things out. Doctor’s think you’re made of money, because they are, and that you can waste time and energy each month because to them it’s just another work day. I’ve already seen three different doctors and finally the last one I met with understood me and my frustration.

He owned up to the mistake of taking things slowly and wasting an entire month on Clomid when they should have moved to a mixed cycle to begin with. It was relieving to finally feel like I was being listened to and having someone on my side. Next cycle will be much more aggressive but also much more expensive. I don’t like thinking that trying to have a baby is a strenuous financial burden, but it’s not just about the money. It’s expensive emotionally.

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I spend hours, worrying, praying, hoping, being optimistic and focusing all of my energy on growing an egg that just might make it to an insemination. It’s stressful and then each month I get told either nothing happened or not enough happened. “We can just try again.” “Next month it might take.” “It’s your decision.” When really it isn’t. It’s exhausting and when people tell me, “It’s in God’s hands,” or it’s in “God’s time.” I get beyond outraged.

It’s not in HIS hands because it’s in my Doctor’s and my body’s ability and it’s in MY pocketbook. Until you have to deal with the stress and heartache of going through such a strenuous ordeal don’t tell me that it’s out of my control. People use God as excuse for their failures and not owning up to their mistakes. I’d rather thank Him for a miracle than be upset with Him for making me “wait for His timing.”

Anyways, I digress and that got a little heated. Sorry for that. Next cycle we might actually see more progress and I’m excited for that. We just have to get past The Holidays.

Hopefully 2014 will be our year for Baby D!

Cheers,
EA

Doing The Most

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I am well known for “doing the most” when it comes to pretty much everything. For years, I’ve put a lot on my plate in every aspect of the cliché. From going to college full time and working full time while trying to start a craft business after hours.  To having about a trillion tiny details for my wedding and hand-making almost everything myself. To even now when I’m trying to get knocked up while only having a few short months left on my parent’s awesome healthcare coverage and starting a new career opportunity.

Seriously, I have to stop. But, how does one stop trying to conquer the world without feeling hopeless or like a failure? During the holiday season I do the most by hand-making most gifts and baking for an army of gift baskets. This year I’ve decided to cease handmade gifts  and instead headed to big box stores and gave my money to “The Man.” I also made the decision that since Justine and I will be traveling so close to Christmas I would for-go giving the baked gift baskets.

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Not making gifts was tough because I do enjoy making things and adding the personal touch to each individual present. But, spending money instead of time did take a small chip off the block. However, with the gift baskets, it’s been a tradition for me to spend an entire weekend elbows deep in batter and chocolate; creating delicious morsels to give to adoring family and friends. This part is much more difficult for me because I too love baking.

Even though I’m excited to not do the most, I feel like it’s not me and not fully Christmas. Hopefully, in the new year I won’t feel like I have to conquer the world and instead focus on just myself and what’s important to me.

As 2013 comes quickly to a close I have been reflecting much more on who I am currently and who I want to be.

What about you?

Cheers,
EA

Lez Be Honest

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Let’s talk about a subject near and dear to my heart.

Lesbians.

I’m a lesbian and a somewhat stereotypical one at that. I figured something was different with me at a relatively young age, but never could tell exactly what it was. I remember when I was in the fourth grade having the biggest crush on a girl that dressed and acted like a boy. Her name was Desiree, she was in the fifth grade and wore baggy jeans, baseball hats and sports Jerseys. She had her hair cut really short and spiked it with handfuls of gel just like every other guy in my grade.

I was infatuated with her, but felt really strange because every other girl my age was talking about kissing boys. So instead of expressing my want to kiss Desiree, I focused all my energy on trying to be like the rest of the girls. I over compensated and came off as “boy crazy” and liked all the popular boys every other girl liked while I silently ogled Desiree and the other tomboy-esque girls that came in and out of my school days.

Then in the seventh grade I went away to summer camp where I kissed a girl for the first time. It was a result of a dare but it meant more to me then when I was dared to kiss a boy from the opposing cabin. I didn’t tell any of my friends when I got back to school the following year but in the eighth grade I kissed another girl at a school dance. The boys in my grade loved it and she only kissed me for that very reason, to make the boys notice her.

During that summer I had an older boyfriend and just went along with the motions until my freshman year of high school. I had had a few boyfriends by then and clearly knew I really wasn’t attracted to guys my age or older but then I had my first full on girl crush. It wasn’t like another crush I had before and I knew then that I was probably a lesbian. She was a senior in my debate class and I had a sneaky suspicion that she batted for the girls team.

Needless to say nothing ever came of that situation and instead a few months later Justine came into my life and that sealed the deal. I knew that I was a lesbian and because I loved her with everything I had in my heart I couldn’t deny it or pretend to be like every other girl I knew.

I’m sure my mom has read through this post and may be upset but hopefully there will be more people out there that enjoyed this post because it might just be a retelling of their own story. I’m proud to be a lesbian and quiet honestly I love and support other lesbians.

Big, small, tall, thick, butch, stud, soft butch, femme, hippie, androgynous, Ellen DeGenerous, ummmm… there are so many others I can’t even remember right now. But, hopefully you get the point. Lesbians are pretty much amazing people.

As my favorite little beauty queen would say,

Cheers,
EA

Why 2013 Is Going To Be My Bitch – Part 2

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2013

As we all know on Tuesday 2013 began but what you didn’t know was that a little part of me was stuck in 2012. I lazed around literally all day watching an Alien movie marathon. I spent time cuddling with the pups, snacking on party leftovers and just over all relaxing with Justine. It felt good but a part of me, the 2013 part, was making me feel guilty for basking in the extra day of laziness.

Many people have resolutions to lose weight, stop smoking or dealing crack, finally clean under their bed. Whatever you resolve to do this year I hope you make it through and conclude this year thinner, sans-cigarettes, crackless and with a clean bed. But for me, the only thing I resolve to do is be a better me.

Like many people I too wish to shed a few dozen unwanted pounds but I can’t do that unless I be the best me I can imagine. I’m not going to be so lazy. I’m not going to be so defeated before even trying. I’m not going to be so down and blue and negative about everything.

Instead I’m being proactive by starting to tackle projects I’ve put off in fear of failing. I’m slowly but surely changing my daily eating habits. I’m also looking for the positives in situations and trying to not dwell on the “what if’s.”

Another non-resolution I have is to finish a story I started writing about 4 years ago and try to get it self published. To add more fuel to the fire The Beast Bakery will be relaunching in March. It’s not what you think and I hope to surprise a lot of you with the changes to come.

What are you resolving to do this year?

Cheers,
EA

Django Date Night!

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It’s Friday and so you know what that means ladies and gents – tonight is DATE NIGHT! For those of you that are parents who don’t have babysitters or are dateless you can live vicariously through me via this post. Let’s begin shall we? I believe we shall.

Although Justine and I will be partaking in the traditional “Dinner and a Movie Date” tonight will be a little different. Being that we are the standard “Butch and Femme” lesbian couple and Justine presumes the boy role in our relationship, she usually takes me out on a date. Tonight it’s my turn and I’m taking her out.

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I’m wearing the above outfit on our date: my brand new amazing Old Navy sweater that I received as a Christmas gift, my over-sized Minnie Mouse t-shirt from Disneyland, a pair of black leggings and my favorite warm snuggly boots from Target. The perfect laid back outfit for a laid back date night.

First we’ll be headed to an awesome little restaurant called Buckhorn Grill. Some coworkers introduced me to this place last week and it was pretty delicious. The tri-tip sandwich was mouthwatering and even though I ordered the smaller sandwich it was super filling. I hope Justine enjoys this place and hopefully it won’t be as packed as it was last Friday at lunchtime.

After dinner we’ll make our way to the local movie theater to see Django Unchained. I’ve heard plenty of good things about this movie and I’m actually really excited to see it. I haven’t exactly asked Justine if she wanted to see it but since I’m the one doing the wine-ing and dining I think I get to choose the movie. That’s how it works isn’t it?

On a side note I’ll probably be posting a “Movie Review Monday” post about this movie so keep a lookout.

What are your plans for tonight?

Cheers,
EA

Why 2013 Is Going To Be My Bitch – Part 1

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Being that there is less and five days until the New Year I’ve been thinking about my resolutions and settled on a few good ones that I’d really like to stick to this time around. I love to write. I’ve referenced my writing passion in a few posts, which you can take the time to find archived if you wish. I don’t write nearly as much as I would like to and that can be chalked up to laziness and writing blocks.

Also, reading is another passion of mine. When I was a kid I would stay up really late reading books in my room with a flashlight. Actually I’ve done that all my life. I devour books and can’t put them down until they are completely done. Don’t get me started on book series, I could read each book back to back and never want them to end.

What does any of this have to do with anything? Well, as much as I would love to be a full time writer and reader I’d settle on being a full time copywriter. For Christmas I asked Santa Justine for the copywriting self study course by Ashley Amirge of The Middle Finger Project. Justine came through and now I am the proud student of this awesome course.

The Middle Finger Project -Copy-writing Workshop

It’s an eight week self study course filled with videos, assignments, and in depth knowledge of becoming a successful copywriter. I’m excited because this way I’ll be able to use my already impressive writing skills to become a full time self sufficient contractor. Hopefully by the end of the course I’ll have the beginnings of a well put together portfolio and at the very least have new skills to make this blog even better.

2013 is going to be my bitch because I’m going to finally escape the confines of a traditional 9-5.

Bring it on 2013. I hope you’re ready.

Cheers,
EA