I haven’t a very good track record with long term friendships. This post is bound to be lengthy so let’s start at my first best friend.

I lived in Naperville, IL when I was about 18 months to 3 years old. I had a best friend named *Carli (names have been changed to protect the innocent). Carli and I were neighbors and did everything with each other. We went to the same daycare and kicked it in the backyard all the time. I have been told over and over about a story that ended in Carli biting me at a birthday party and us forgiving each other in record time.  Well, that ended when my family moved back to California and we lost touch, even though we still remain “Facebook friends” to this day.

My next long term friendship was with a schoolmate, we’ll call her, Amber. Amber and I had a few classes together from 1st to 4th grade. We had slumber parties, walked to and from school together. Her mom took me to the beach with her and her little sister one time. We played Barbies all the time and went to the park near her house after school. We would call each other on the phone and laugh about the latest episode of All That. We were inseparable and the very definition of besties. That ended when I moved to the other side of town and went to a new school.

That is when my long term best friendship pattern changed. I stopped having long meaningful friendships with people. I mean I wasn’t a whore-ish easy friend going from new girl to new girl. Making friends became really difficult. I never held on to a friend longer than a school year after that. I would have a select friend for the school year then summer would come around and we wouldn’t keep in touch and the next year I would have to start all over again. It didn’t help that I changed schools for my 5th grade year then moved on to middle school and during my time at middle school I floated from group to group. During junior high every one is initiated into a clique and I never really fit into one specific group of people.

There was a group of kids I would hang out with at the library after school and we stayed pretty consistent over the 3 year course of junior high but after that I went to a different high school for my freshman year while most of those friends went to the rival high school. I was lost in the friendship sea of high school. The first part of my freshman year I hung out with a rowdy group of misfits and ran wild being a wierdo. But then, during the second part of my freshman year I found myself hanging out with a group of seniors, mostly because I had a crush on one of them and tried my damnedest to make her notice me, but then Justine happened. I had a relationship that I wanted nothing more than to spend every waking moment with her and her alone.

At the end of my freshman year my family moved yet again to a different town and I had to start over. This time it was different because I was 15 years old, in a very committed relationship, and spent most of my time calling/texting/being with Justine. I somewhat made friends with her best friends but that didn’t work out too well. I made acquaintances with several other kids at my new high school but nothing best friend worthy. I had a very close friendship with a girl that shared my name but half way through high school she changed and so did our friendship. Not to mention I worked after school and spent the rest of my free time with Justine.

I had another friend that I thought was my best friend up until I moved away to college and she tried sabotaging my relationship because she wasn’t happy with herself and her loneliness and I dropped her like a bad habit. Then I made friends with another old classmate and we were best friends for the last few years. She moved in with Justine and I and we were inseparable. We weren’t close friends in high school but then something changed after we hadn’t talked to or seen each other for about 6 months after graduation. We didn’t judge each other and we have the same type of humor. We have so many similarities and yet so many differences.

I thought I had finally found my ultimate best friend soul mate. But then things got a little difficult because we lived with one another it put a lot of stress on our friendship. We were constantly at odds and because we are both so stubborn at times we avoided each other and things got out of control. We ended up moving out and Justine and I went on our way and she went on hers. We didn’t talk to each other for about 4 or so months and then when all the bad feelings and stress had subsided we were pretty good friends again.

Then I started to notice the fair weather effect had began to take control of our friendship. She would rarely keep in touch and I felt like I was keeping out friendship going more then she wanted to keep it up. I feel like recently we had another falling out and I think this time it’s for good because I am standing my ground and even though I’ve always been there for her it seems like she is there for me when it’s most convenient for her.

These thoughts have been really hard on me lately because I see all of these so called friends on Facebook day in and day out and it’s difficult to call these people true friends because where are they when I need a shoulder to cry on? Where are these “friends” when I need to vent or even to go gossip at a coffee shop and talk about our favorite tv shows? I know that it’s more and more difficult to find a good solid group of friends when we live in such a digital age and person to person interaction seems to be dwindling down to nothingness. It’s so frustrating and heart breaking to think that everyone else seems to have a best friend that isn’t romantically connected to them and I don’t.

I would do anything to have a true blue dedicated friend that isn’t related to me, that isn’t Justine and that I can really rely on. Is it so much to ask for? Is it?

For those of you that stuck this out and read/skimmed the entire post, I promise tomorrow I will update with something less heavy and despressing.




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